Monty Python and the Holy Grail

England
932 A.D.

King Arthur: Whoa, there!
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot, King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.
Guard: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am! And this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land, in search of knights, who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Guard: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes.
Guard: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Guard: You've got two empty halves of coconut, and you're banging them together!
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical.
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, this is the temperate zone!
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the housemartin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!
Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Guard: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk.
Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here!
Guard: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
Guard: Am I right?
King Arthur: I'm not interested.
Guard 2: It could be carried by an African swallow.
Guard: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
Guard II: Oh yeah, I agree with that.
King Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot!?
Guard: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory...
Guard 2: Oh, yeah.
Guard: ...So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
Guard 2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together!
Guard: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Guard 2: Well, simple! They'd just use a stranded creeper.
Guard: What? Hold it under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Guard 2: Oh, why not?

Corpse Collector: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Nine pence. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Corpse Seller: Here's one.
Corpse Collector: Nine pence.
Man: I'm not dead!
Corpse Collector: What?
Corpse Seller: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
Man: I'm not dead!
Corpse Collector: Here, he says he's not dead.
Corpse Seller: Yes, he is.
Man: I'm not!
Corpse Collector: He isn't.
Corpse Seller: Well, he won't be soon, he's very ill.
Man: I'm getting better!
Corpse Seller: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Corpse Collector: I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
Man: I don't want to go on the cart.
Corpse Seller: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Corpse Collector: I can't take him.
Man: I feel fine.
Corpse Seller: Well, do us a favor!
Corpse Collector: I can't.
Corpse Seller: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Corpse Collector: No, I've got to get to the Robinsons, they've lost nine today.
Corpse Seller: Well, when is your next round?
Corpse Collector: Thursday.
Man: I think I'm going for a walk.
Corpse Seller: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Man: I feel all happy, I feel happy! Ugh!
Corpse Seller: Ah, thanks very much.
Corpse Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Corpse Seller: Right, all right. Who's that then?
Corpse Collector: Don't know, must be a king.
Corpse Seller: Why?
Corpse Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

King Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
King Arthur: Man, sorry! What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37!
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old!
King Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "man!"
Dennis: You could say "Dennis."
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called "Dennis!"
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
King Arthur: I did say "sorry" about the old woman, but from behind you looked...
Dennis: Well, I object! You automatically treat me like an inferior!
King Arthur: Well, I am king!
Dennis: Oh king, eh, very nice! And how did you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers, by hanging onto outdated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever gonna be any progress...
Female Peasant: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here! Oh, how do you do?
King Arthur: How do you, good lady, I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Female Peasant: King of the who?
King Arthur: The Britons.
Female Peasant: Who are the Britons?
King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king!
Female Peasant: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You are fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-effectuating autocracy in which the working classes...
Female Peasant: Oh, there you go, bringing class into the game!
Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur: Please, please, good people! I am in haste! Who lives in that castle?
Female Peasant: No one lives there.
King Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Female Peasant: We don't have a lord!
King Arthur: What!?
Dennis: I told you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week!
King Arthur: Yes...
Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
King Arthur: Yes, I see!
Dennis: ...By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: ...But by a two thirds majority in the case of more...
King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Dennis: Who does he think he is, huh?
King Arthur: I'm your king.
Female Peasant: Well, I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Female Peasant: Well, how did you become king then?
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm, clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king.
Dennis: Listen, strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farsical aquatic ceremony!
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
King Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh, but if I went there out, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
King Arthur: Shut up! Will you shut up!
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherit in the system!
King Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherit in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
King Arthur: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a give-away! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn't you?

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight... I am Arthur, king of the Britons... I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot... You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?... You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!... Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't!
King Arthur: Well, what's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
King Arthur: Victory is mine! We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy...
Black Knight: Come on, then!
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: At you!
King Arthur: You are in indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard! You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes, I have!
King Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!
King Arthur: Look, stop that!
Black Knight: Chicken! Chicken!
King Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! Right!
Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: You're a loony.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then!... All right, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Monks: Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem. Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem. Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem. Pie Iesu Domine...
Crowd: A witch!
Witch Burner 1: We've found a witch!
Crowd: A witch!
Witch Burner 1: We have found a witch! May we burn her?
Crowd: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?
Witch Burner 2: She looks like one.
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Sir Bedevere: Bring her forward.
Witch: I am not a witch! I am not a witch!
Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one.
Witch: They dressed me up like this.
Crowd: Aaah! We don't believe that!
Witch: And this isn't my nose! It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere: Well?
Witch Burner 1: Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere: The nose?
Witch Burner 1: And the hat. But she is a witch!
Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! A witch!
Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Witch Burner 1: No!
Witch Burner 3: No!
Witch Burner 1: No!... Yes!
Witch Burner 3: Yes!
Witch Burner 1: Yes, a bit.
Witch Burner 3: A bit.
Witch Burner 1: She has got a wart.
Sir Bedevere: What made you think she is a witch?
Witch Burner 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Witch Burner 3: It got better.
Witch Burner 2: Burn her anyway!
Crowd: Burn her! Burn her anyway!
Sir Bedevere: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling wether she is a witch.
Witch Burner 1: Are there? What are they?
Crowd: Tell us! Tell us!
Sir Bedevere: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Witch Burner 2: Burn them!
Witch Burner 3: Burn them!
Crowd: Burn them!
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Witch Burner 1: More witches!
Witch Burner 3: Sshh!
Witch Burner 2: Wood!
Sir Bedevere: So why do witches burn?
Witch Burner 3: ...'cause they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good!
Crowd: Oh, yeah...
Sir Bedevere: So how do we tell wether she is made of wood?
Witch Burner 1: Build a bridge out of her!
Sir Bedevere: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Witch Burner 1: Oh, yeah.
Witch Burner 3: Oh, yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Witch Burner 1: No, no!
Witch Burner 2: It floats! It floats!
Witch Burner 1: We throw her into the pond!
Crowd: Pond! Pond! Pond!
Sir Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Witch Burner 1: Bread!
Witch Burner 2: Apples!
Witch Burner 3: Uh, very small rocks!
Witch Burner 2: Cider! Great gravy!
Witch Burner 1: Cherries!
Witch Burner 3: Mud! Churches, churches!
Witch Burner 2: Lead, lead!
King Arthur: A duck!
Crowd: Oooohh...
Sir Bedevere: Exactly! So, logically . . .
Witch Burner 1: ...if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood!
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Witch Burner 1: ...a witch!
Crowd: A witch!
Sir Bedevere: We shall use my largest scales!
Crowd: Burn her!
Sir Bedevere: Remove the supports!
Crowd: ...A witch!
Witch: It's a fair cop.
Sir Bedevere: Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
King Arthur: I'm Arthur, king of the Britons.
Sir Bedevere: My liege!
King Arthur: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?
Sir Bedevere: My liege, I would be honored!
King Arthur: What is your name?
Sir Bedevere: Bedevere, my liege.
King Arthur: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.

Narrator: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights; but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were tobe retold throughout the centuries: The Knights of the Round Table!

Sir Bedevere: ...And that, my liege, how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Sir Bedevere: Certainly, sir!
Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
King Arthur: Camelot!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.
All Knights of the Round Table: Sshh!
King Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride to... Camelot!
Knights of the Round Table: We're knights of the Round Table
We dance when e're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
And footwork impeccable,
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable,
The many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable,
We're opra-mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

Though, we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.
Knight: I have to push the pram a lot!
King Arthur: No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Sir Lancelot: Right.
God: Arthur! Arthur! King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand is people groveling!
King Arthur: Sorry!
God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me" that and "I'm not worthy"! What are you doing now?
King Arthur: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord!
God: Well, don't! It's like those miserable psalms! They're so depressing! Now, knock it off!
King Arthur: Yes, Lord!
God: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons! Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times!
King Arthur: Good idea, oh, Lord!
God: Course it's a good idea! Behold, Arthur! This is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur - the quest for the Holy Grail!
Sir Lancelot: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
Sir Galahad: God be praised!

The Quest for the Holy Grail

King Arthur: Halt!
King Arthur: Hello! Hello!
French Knight: Hello! Who is it?
King Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table! Whose castle is this?
French Knight: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!
King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Knight: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, 'e's already got one, you see!
King Arthur: What?
Sir Galahad: He says they've already got one!
King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
French Knight: Oh, yes, it's very nice, uh!... I told him we already got one.
King Arthur: Well, uh... can we come up and have a look?
French Knight: Of course not! You are English types, uh!
King Arthur: Well, what are you, then?
French Knight: I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Knight: Mind your own business!
King Arthur: If you will not show us the grail, we shall take your castle by force!
French Knight: You don't frighten us, English pigdogs! Go and burn your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at your so-called Arthur King! You and all your silly English knnnnnniggets! Thppppt!
Sir Galahad: What a strange person.
King Arthur: Now look here, my good man...
French Knight: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Knight: No! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
King Arthur: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable...
French Knight: Fetchez la vache!
French Knight 2: Quoi?
French Knight: Fetchez la vache!
Cow: Muh! Muh!
King Arthur: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall...
Cow: Muuuuuuuuuh!
King Arthur: Uiah! Aah!
Cow: Muuh!
King Arthur: Christ!

All Knights of the Round Table: Oh! Oooh! Ah! Aaaah!
King Arthur: Right! Charge! ...Run away! Run away!
Knights of the Round Table: Run away! Run away!
Sir Lancelot: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
King Arthur: No, no! No, no!
Sir Bedevere: Sir, I have a plan, sir...

French Knights: Mais c'est un cadeau! What? A present. Oh, un cadeau! Oui, oui, allons-y! What? Let's go. Oh.
King Arthur: What happens now?
Sir Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise, and not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
King Arthur: Who leaps out?
Sir Bedevere: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, and...uh...
King Arthur: Oooh...
Sir Bedevere: Oh... uhm, lo... look, if we built this large wooden badger...
All Knights of the Round Table: Runaway! Runaway! Runaway! Runaway!

Clapper Man: Picture for schools, take eight.
Director: Action!

A FAMOUS HISTORIAN

Historian: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. And Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now this is what we...
Unknown Knight: Whoooah!
Historian's Wife: Frank!

The tale of Sir Robin

Narrator: The tale of Sir Robin: So each of the knights went their separate ways - Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

Minstrel: Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot
He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burnt away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned up,
And his penis -
Sir Robin: That's... that's enough music for now, lads, huh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Dennis the Peasant: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom...
Female Peasant: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
Yellow Knight's Heads: Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin-
Sir Robin: Shut up! Uhm, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just, um, just passing through.
Yellow Knight's Heads: What do you want?
Minstrel: To fight, and-
Sir Robin: Shut up! Um, ooh, n-nothing, nothing really, I, uh, j-j-ust to, uhm, just to p-pass through, good Sir Knight.
Yellow Knight's Heads: I'm afraid not!
Sir Robin: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
Yellow Knight's Heads:You're a Knight of the Round Table?
Sir Robin: I am.
Left Head: In that case I shall have to kill you.
Middle Head: Shall I?
Right Head: Oh, I don't think so.
Middle Head: Well, what do I think?
Left Head: I think kill him.
Right Head: Well, let's be nice to him.
Middle Head: Oh, shut up.
Left Head: Perhaps-
Middle Head: And you.
Left Head: Oh, quick, get the sword out! I want to cut his head off!
Right Head: Oh, cut your own head off!
Middle Head: Yes, do us all a favor!
Left Head: What?
Right Head: Yapping on all the time.
Midddle Head: You're lucky, you're not next to him.
Left Head: What do you mean?
Middle Head: You snore.
Left Head: Oh I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath.
Middle Head: Well, its only because you don't brush my teeth.
Right Head: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.
Left Head: All right, all right, all right, we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
Middle Head: Yes.
Right Head: Oh, but not biscuits.
Left Head: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
All Heads: Right!
Left Head: He buggered off.
Right Head: So he has, he's scarpered.
Minstrel: Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: Bravely ran away, away.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: When danger reared its ugly head,
he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about,
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
Sir Robin: I never did!
Minstrel: He beat a very brave retreat
Sir Robin: Oh, lie!
Minstrel: Bravest of the brave Sir Robin.
Sir Robin: I never!
Monks: Pie Iesu Domine.

Dona Eis Requiem.

Pie Iesu Domine.

Dona Eis Requiem.

The tale of Sir Galahad

Sir Galahad: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
Zoot: Hello! Welcome, gentle Sir Knight! Welcome to the castle Anthrax!
Sir Galahad: The castle Anthrax?
Zut: Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every, every need!
Sir Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
Zut: The what?
Sir Galahad: The grail? It is here?
Zut: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: Yes, oh, Zoot?
Zut: Prepare a bed for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Zut: Away, away, valettesses... The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
Sir Galahad: Well, look, I - I...
Zut: What is your name, handsome knight?
Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad, the Chaste.
Zoot: Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Oh, but come!
Sir Galahad: No, please! In God's name, show me the grail!
Zut: Oh, you have suffered much - you are delirious!
Sir Galahad: No, look, I have seen it! It is here in the...
Zut: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?
Sir Galahad: Well, I - I...
Zut: Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19½, cut off in this castle with noone to protect us. Oh, it is a lonely life! Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear... We are just not used to handsome knights! Nay, nay, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Sir Galahad: No, no, it's only... it's nothing!
Zut: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please lie down!
Dr. Piglet: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Sir Galahad: They're doctors?
Zut: Ah, they have a basic medical training, yes. Oh, come, come, you must try to rest! Dr. Piglet, Dr. Winston, practise your art!
Dr. Winston: Try to relax.
Sir Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Dr. Piglet: We must examine you.
Sir Galahad: There's nothing wrong with that!
Dr. Piglet: Please, we are doctors.
Sir Galahad: No! This cannot be! I am sworn to chastity!
Dr. Piglet: Back to your bed!
Sir Galahad: Don't mend me no longer! I have seen the grail!
Dr. Piglet: There's no grail here!
Sir Galahad: I have seen it! I have seen it! I have seen...
All Girls: Hello!
Sir Galahad: Oh.
Girls: Hello. Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
Sir Galahad: Zut?
Dingo: No, I'm Zut's identical twin sister, Dingo!
Sir Galahad: Oh, well, excuse me!
Dingo: Where are you going?
Sir Galahad: I seek the grail. I have seen it here in this castle!
Dingo: No! Oh no! Bad, bad Zut!
Sir Galahad: What is it?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zut! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which I just remembered is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad: It's not the real grail?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zut! Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay her penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
All the girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like! And then spank me!
Girl: And spank me!
Girl 2: And me!
Girl 3: And me!
Dingo: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
All Girls: Spanking tonight!
Dingo: And after the spanking: the oral sex!
All Girls: Oral sex! Oral sex!
Sir Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer...
Sir Lancelot: Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Oh, hello!
Sir Lancelot: Quick!
Sir Galahad: What?
Sir Lancelot: Quick!
Sir Galahad: Why?
Sir Lancelot: You are in great peril!
Dingo: No, he isn't!
Sir Lancelot: Silence, foul temptress!
Sir Galahad: Look, she's got a point!
Sir Lancelot: Come on, we will cover your escape!
Sir Galahad: Look, I'm... I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Dingo: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!
All Girls: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!
Sir Lancelot: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
Sir Galahad: No, really, honest, I can cope, I can handle this lot easily!
Dingo: Yes, let him handle us!
All Girls: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sir Galahad: I can defeat them, there's only 150 of them!
Dingo: Yes, yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance!
All Girls: We haven't a chance!
Dingo: Oh, shit!
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time; you were in great peril!
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was!
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were, you were in terrible peril!
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril!
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous!
Sir Galahad: I can't find anything less perilous than that!
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail! Come on!
Sir Galahad: Won't you let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No, it's unhealthy!
Sir Galahad: Bet you're gay!
Sir Lancelot: No, I'm not!

Narrator: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, no more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unlaiden swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laiden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging...
Crowd of Knights: Aeeh!!
Narrator: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue! And in which there aren't any swallows, but I think you cath here a starling . . .auggh!

Old Man: Aehehehihaheah...
King Arthur: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?
Old Man: Eaheheheheah...
King Arthur: Where does he live? ...Old man! Where does he live?
Old Man: Hihaeh... He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered...
King Arthur: And the Grail? The Grail is there?
Old Man: There is much danger... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
King Arthur: But the Grail? Where is the Grail?
Old Man: Aheh... seek you the Bridge of Death.
King Arthur: The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail?

Knights of "Ni" Leader: Ni!
Knights of "Ni": Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Who are you?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: We are the knights who say... "Ni". Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: No! Not the knights who say "Ni"!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: The same.
Sir Bedevere: Who are these?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: We are the keepers of the sacred words Ni Peng and Neewum!
Echo: Neewum...
King Arthur: Those who here them seldom live to tell the tale.
Knights of "Ni" Leader: The knights who say "Ni" demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of "Ni", we are but simple travellers, who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Ni! Ni!
Knights of "Ni": Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and their company: Ah! No! Aie! No!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: We shall say "ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what is it you want?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: We want... a shrubbery!
King Arthur: A what?
Knights of "Ni": Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Aah! No! No, please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knights of "Ni" Leader:You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through these woods... alive.
King Arthur: Oh, Knights of Ni, you are just and fair. And we will return here with a shrubbery.
Knights of "Ni" Leader: One that looks nice!
King Arthur: Of course.
Knights of "Ni" Leader: And not too expensive.
King Arthur: Yes!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Now...go!

The Tale of SIR LANCELOT

Narrator: The tale of Sir Lancelot.

Swamp King: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Herbert: What, the curtains?
Swamp King: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land. That will be your kingdom, lad.
Herbert: But mother...
Swamp King: Father, I'm father!
Herbert: But father, I don't want any of that.
Swamp King: Listen, lad! I built this kingdom up from nothing! When I started here, all there was was swamp! All the kings said it was daft to build a castle in this swamp! But I bulit it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burnt down, fell off, and then sank into the swamp! But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad! The strongest castle in these islands!
Herbert: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather...
Swamp King: Rather what?
Herbert: I'd rather... just... sing!
Swamp King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not gonna do a song while I'm here! Now, listen, lad! In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain!
Herbert: I don't want land...
Swamp King: Listen, Alice!
Herbert: Herbert.
Swamp King: Herbert! We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!
Herbert: But - but I don't like her.
Swamp King: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land!
Herbert: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have a certain... special... something!
Swamp King: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea!Guards! Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him!
Stupid Guard I: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Swamp King: No, no, until I come and get him.
Stupid Guard I: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Swamp King: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave!
Stupid Guard I: And you'll come and get him?
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Swamp King: Right!
Stupid Guard I: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room?
Swamp King: No, no, leaving the room
Stupid Guard I: Leaving the room?
Swamp King: Yes! All right?
Stupid Guard I: Yeah! Oh, if - if - if, uh, if - if - if, uh, if - if - if we...
Swamp King: Oh, look, it's quite simple! You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room! All right?
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Stupid Guard I: Oh, I remember! Uh, can he leave the room with us?
Swamp King: No, no, no, you just keep him in here and make sure...
Stupid Guard I: Oh, yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously! But if he had to leave, and we were with him...
Swamp King: No, no, just keep him in here...
Stupid Guard I: ...until you or anyone else...
Swamp King: No, not anyone else! Just me!
Stupid Guard I: Just you...
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Swamp King: ...get back!
Stupid Guard I: ....get back!
Swamp King: All right?
Stupid Guard I: All right. We'll stay here until you get back.
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Swamp King: And make sure he doesn't leave.
Stupid Guard I: What?
Swamp King: Make sure he doesn't leave!
Stupid Guard I: The prince!?
Swamp King: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave!
Stupid Guard I: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him! You know, it seemed a bit daft to me to guard him when he's a guard.
Swamp King: Is that clear?
Stupid Guard I: Oh, quite clear! No problems!
Swamp King: Right! Where are you going?
Stupid Guard I: We're coming with you.
Swamp King: No, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave!
Stupid Guard I: Oh, I see, right!
Herbert: But father...
Swamp King: Shut your noise, you and get that suit on!
Swamp King: And no singing!
Stupid Guard II: Hiccup!
Swamp King: Oh, and go get a glass of water!

Sir Lancelot: Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank, you, sir! Most kind!
Sir Lancelot: And again! Over we go! Good! Steady! And now, the big one! Come on, Concorde!
Concorde: Message for you, sir!
Sir Lancelot: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, come and rescue me! I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
Concorde: Uh, I'm - I'm not quite dead, sir.
Sir Lancelot: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
Concorde: I-I think I could pull through, sir.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, I see.
Concorde: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you!
Sir Lancelot: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished the daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... ooh!
Concorde: Idiom, sir?
Sir Lancelot: Idiom!
Concorde: No, I feel fine, actally, sir...
Sir Lancelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
Concorde: I'll... I just stay here then, shall I, sir?

Gate Guard I: Morning!
Passing Wedding Guest: Morning!
Gate Guard I: Aargh!
Gate Guard II: Hey!
Stupid Guard I: You're not allowed to enter the room!
Sir Lancelot: Oh, fair one! Behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot! I have come to take you... oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Herbert: You got my note!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, I got a note...
Herbert: You've come to rescue me!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, no, you see...
Herbert: I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... someone!
Swamp King: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
Herbert: I'm your son...
Swamp King: No, not you!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
Swamp King: Did you kill all the guards?
Sir Lancelot: Uh... oh, yes, sorry!
Swamp King: They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything...
Herbert: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot! I got a rope all ready!
Swamp King: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

Sir Lancelot: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady...
Swamp King: I can understand that!
Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
Swamp King: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
Sir Lancelot: Well, I really didn't mean to!
Swamp King: Didn't mean to!? You put your sword right through his head!
Sir Lancelot: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
Swamp King: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is gonna cost me a fortune!
Sir Lancelot: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see...
Swamp King: Camelot? Are you from Camelot?
Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, I am a knight of King Arthur, sir.
Swamp King: Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.
Sir Lancelot: Is it?
Herbert: Hurry, I'm ready!
Swamp King: Would you like to come have a drink?
Sir Lancelot: Oh... oh, that's awfully nice of you.
Herbert: I am ready!
Sir Lancelot: ...mean to be so understanding. Uhm, I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, sort of, carried away, you know...
Swamp King: Oh, don't worry about that.
Herbert: Oooh!
Swamp King: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room-
Man: There he is!
Swamp King: Oh, bloody hell!
Swamp King: Hold it! Hold it! Please!
Sir Lancelot: Sorry! Sorry! You see what I mean, I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry! Sorry! Sorry, everyone!
Monk: He's killed the best man!
Wedding Guests: Ooh! Yeah!
Swamp King: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the courts of Camelot! A very brave and influential knight and my special guest here today!
Sir Lancelot: Hello!
Man II: He killed my auntie!
Wedding Guests: Ooh! Yeah!
Swamp King: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock!
Wedding Guests: Ooh...
Swamp King: Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
Wedding Guests: Ooh...
Swamp King: But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter.
Wedding Guests: [Applause]
Swamp King: Who, since the tragic death of her father...
Man III: He's not quite dead!
Swamp King: Since the near fatal wounding of her father...
Man III: He's getting better!
Swamp King: Who, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of Death upon him...
Bride's Father: Ooooh!
Man III: Oh, he's died.
Swamp King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real and legally binding sense! ...Uh, and I feel sure that the merger, uh, the union between the princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...
Sir Lancelot: What?
Man III: Look, the dead prince!
Wedding Guests: Ooh! The prince!
Concorde: He's not quite dead.
Herbert: Oh, I feel much better.
Swamp King: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Herbert: No, I was saved at the last minute.
Swamp King: How!?
Herbert: Well, I'll tell you.
Swamp King: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! Shut up! Shut! Shut!
Concorde: Quickly, sir! Come this way!
Sir Lancelot: No, it's not right for my idiom, I must escape more... ooh!
Concorde: Dramatically, sir?
Sir Lancelot: Dramatically! Hey! Whoa! Excuse me, could... could someone give me a push, please?

King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
Crone: Who sent you?
King Arthur: The Knights Who Say "Ni".
Crone: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
King Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... ni!
Crone: Agh! Do your worst!
King Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily... ni!
Crone: No! Never! No shrubberies!
Sir Bedevere: Noo! Noo!
King Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
Sir Bedever: Noo!
King Arthur: No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
Sir Bedevere: Noo! Ni!
King Arthur: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
King Arthur & Sir Bedevere: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying "ni" to that old woman?
King Arthur: Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can "ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say "shrubberies"?
Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
Sir Bedevere: Ni!
King Arthur: No! No, no, no! No!

King Arthur: Oh, Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
King Arthur: What is that?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
Random Knight of "Ni": Ni!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-fhjgfjd.
Random Knight of "Ni": Ni!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Therefore, we must give you a test.
King Arthur: What is this test, Oh, Knights of... Knights who till recently said "Ni"?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
King Arthur: Not another shrubbery!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
Knights of "Ni": A path! A path! Ni!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!
King Arthur: We shall do no such thing!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Oh, please!
King Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh! Aaaagh!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Don't say that word.
King Arthur: What word?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of "Ni" cannot hear.
King Arthur: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh! Aaaagh!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: He said it again!
King Arthur: What, "is"?
Knights of "Ni" Leader: No, not "is" - we couldn't get very far in life not saying "is".
Sir Bedevere: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
Minstrel:
Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
King Arthur: Oh, Robin!
Sir Robin: My liege! It's good to see you!
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: He said the word!
King Arthur: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
Minstrel:He is sneaking away and buggering up...
Sir Robin: Shut up! No, no, no...far from it.
Knights of "Ni" Leader: He said the word again!
Sir Robin: I was looking for it.
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh!
Sir Robin: Uh, here, here in this forest.
King Arthur: No, it is far from this-
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Aaaaagh! Stop saying the word!
King Arthur: Oh, stop it!
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Oh! He said it again!
King Arthur: Patsy!
Knights of "Ni" Leader: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
Knights of "Ni": Aaaaagh!

Narrator: And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.
All: Yay! Yay!
Narrator: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
All: Yay!
Narrator: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day..

King Arthur: Knights! Forward! What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
Tim the Enchanter: I...am an enchanter.
King Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim the Enchanter: There are some who call me...Tim?
King Arthur: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
Tim the Enchanter: Greetings, King Arthur!
King Arthur: You know my name?
Tim the Enchanter: I do. You seek the Holy Grail!
King Arthur: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Oh, Tim.
King Arthur: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
Knights of the Round Table: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
King Arthur: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
Knights of the Round Table: Yes, we are we are.
Sir Bedevere: We have been for some time.
Sir Robin: Ages.
King Arthur: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be...very...helpful...
Sir Galahad: Look, can you tell us wh-
King Arthur: Fine, uhm, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, uum, find a, uh, a, uum, a uh...
Tim the Enchanter: A what...?
King Arthur: A g-, a g-
Tim the Enchanter: A Grail?!
King Arthur: Yes, I think so.
Knights of the Round Table: Yes, that's it. Yes.
Tim the Enchanter: Yes!
Knights of the Round Table: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
King Arthur: Look, you're a busy man, uh-
Tim the Enchanter: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
Knights of the Round Table: Oh, thank you.
Tim the Enchanter: To the north there lies a cave - the cave of Caer Bannog - wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
King Arthur: Where could we find this cave, Oh, Tim?
Tim the Enchanter: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
King Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

Man: They're nervous, sire.
King Arthur: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
Tim the Enchanter: Behold the cave of Caer Bannog!
King Arthur: Right! Keep me covered.
Sir Galahad: What with?
King Arthur: Just keep me covered.
Tim the Enchanter: Too late!
King Arthur: What?
Tim the Enchanter: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim the Enchanter: There!
King Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim the Enchanter: It is the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Tim the Enchanter: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim the Enchanter: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim the Enchanter: It'll do you a trick, mate!
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You monkey's scot's git!
Tim the Enchanter: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim the Enchanter: He's got huge, sharp... He can leap about - look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
Boris: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Tim the Enchanter: Look!
Rabbit: Squeak!
Boris: Aaaugh!
King Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim the Enchanter: I warned you!
Sir Robin: I've done it again!
Tim the Enchanter: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always-
King Arthur: Oh, shut up!
Tim the Enchanter: But do they listen to me?
King Arthur: Right!
Tim the Enchanter: Oh, no...
Knights of the Round Table: Charge!
Knights of the Round Table: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! Run away! Run away!
Tim the Enchanter: Haw, haw, haw. Haw, haw, haw. Haw, haw.
King Arthur: Right. How many did we lose?
Sir Lancelot: Gawain.
Sir Galahad: Hector.
King Arthur: And Boris. That's five.
Sir Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
Sir Robin: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
King Arthur: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
Sir Galahad: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
King Arthur: Like what?
Sir Galahad: Well...
King Arthur: Have we got bows?
Sir Bedevere: No.
Sir Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
King Arthur: Yes, of course! The "...The Holy Hand Grenade from Antioch..." It is one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard, bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: Pie Iesu Domine.
Dona Eis Requiem.
Pie Iesu Domine.
Dona Eis Requiem.
Pie Iesu Domine.
Dona Eis Requiem.
Pie Iesu Domine.
Dona Eis Requiem.
King Arthur: How does it, ehm...how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter 2, verses 9 to 21.
Brother II: "And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade upon high, saying: "Oh, Lord, bless this, thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mays blow Thy enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy". And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchjovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large-"
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, brother.
Brother II: "And the Lord spake, saying: "First, shall Thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shall Thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number Thou shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall Thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that Thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbeth Thou Thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch toward Thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it".".
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right! One, two, five...
Sir Galahad: Three, sir!
King Arthur: Three!

Arthur: There! Look!
Sir Lancelot: What does it say?
Sir Galahad: What language is that?
King Arthur: Brother Maynard, you're a scholar!
Brother Maynard: It's Arameic!
Sir Galahad: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
Sir Lancelot: Of course!
King Arthur: What does it say?
Brother Maynard: It reads: "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit, may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaahh...".
King Arthur: What?
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaahhh..."
Sir Bedevere: What is that?
Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur: Oh, come on!
Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaghhh", he'd just say it.
Brother Maynard: Well, that's what carved in the rock.
Sir Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating?
King Arthur: Oh, shut up! Well, does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard: No, just, "Aaahhh".
Sir Lancelot: Aaahhh...
King Arthur: Aaahhh...
Sir Bedevere: Do you suppose he meant the Camahhhrgue?
Sir Galahad: Where's that?
Sir Bedevere: In France, I think...
Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint Ahhh in Cornwall?
King Arthur: No, that's Saint Ives.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes.
Sir Bedevere: Oohhohooh!
Sir Lancelot: No, no! "Aaahhh!" At the back of the throat!
Sir Bedevere: No, no, no, "Oohhohooh!" in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean sort of a "Aaaooahh!".
Sir Bedevere: Yes, that's right. Aaahhh...!
King Arthur: Oh, my God!
Brother Maynard: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaahhhhhh...!
Sir Lancelot: Run away!
All: Run away!

Narrotor: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!
Animator: Aaarghh!
Narrotor: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the holy Grail could continue.

Sir Galahad: There it is!
King Arthur: The Bridge of Death!
Sir Robin: Oh, great...
King Arthur: Look! There's the old man from scene 24!
Sir Bedevere: What's he doing here?
King Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions.
Sir Galahad: Three questions!
King Arthur: Three questions! He who answers the five questions...
Sir Galahad: Three questions!
King Arthur: ...three questions may cross it in safety.
Sir Robin: What if you get a question wrong?
King Arthur: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Sir Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions?
King Arthur: Sir Robin!
Sir Robin: Yes?
King Arthur: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
Sir Robin: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go?
Sir Lancelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that...
King Arthur: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions...
Sir Galahad: Three questions.
King Arthur: ...three questions as best you can. And we shall watch...and pray.
Sir Lancelot: I understand, my liege.
King Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.
Keeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
Keeper: What is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Keeper: What is your favorite color?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Keeper: Right, off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy!
Keeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
Keeper: What is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Keeper: What is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that! Aaaaaaaagh!
Keeper: Stop! What is your name?
Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Keeper: What is your favorite color?
Sir Galahad: Blue. No yel...! Aaaaaaaagh!
Keeper: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Keeper: What is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Keeper: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African swallow or European swallow?
Keeper:What? I - I don't know that! Aaaaaaagh!
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Intermission

King Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot!
Sir Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot!
King Arthur: Lancelot!
Sir Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot!
King Arthur: The Castle Argh! Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God! We thank thee for Thou hast brought safe to us the most hol-
Catapult: Boing!
King Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Sir Bedevere: Bleeding hell!
French Knight: Hello, daffy English kniggets and Monsieur Arthur King who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
King Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence?! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle to which God himself has guided us!
French Knight: How you English say, I one more time, ah, unclog my nose in your directions, sons of a window dresser! So, you think you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behaviour?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand, electric donkey-bottom biters!
King Arthur: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
French Knight: No chance, English bed-wetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
King Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
King Arthur: In the name of God and the glory of our . . .!
King Arthur: Right, that settles it!
French Knight: Yes, this time, a lot of this time and ---- any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
King Arthur: Walk away, just ignore them.
French Knight: No, remain ---- illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English knnniggets! Thpppt!
King Arthur: We shall attack at once!
Sir Bedevere: Yes, my liege.
King Arthur: Stand by for attack!
King Arthur: French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead! And the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen! Charge!
Historian's Wife: Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure!
Policeman: All right, sonny, that's enough! Just pack it...

You can print out this script if you want, but it is 25 pages long.

If you find any typos or inaccuracies please please let me know: PepperJKat@juno.com . Thanks.

Monty Python